New work...

I’ve made a lot of art and have had a lot of internal panic attacks since my last blog post! I have missed thinking and writing about my art on a deeper level. I also told myself maybe no one cares so just keep it to yourself, but there’s something valid to putting those thoughts down, and going back to reread them years later. Why make it public- idk- a little piece of immortality? A chance to connect to someone? Inspire someone? Idk- maybe just to get it out of my head!! There’s way too much crap in there that’s swimming around daily- and I’d love to unload it! Lol

If you’d like to witness the crazy- well, come on!  😂

We could start right there actually... 

"Crazy" or even the second part of my blog title- "Panic attacks"... I’m not sure I’ve ever had what would be considered a real panic attack- it’s more of a constant gnawing high level of anxiety about everything ( But "Painting and anxiety" don’t make for a catchy title.) although I question... could a person be a high functioning panic attack being in their mind if not extending to their body? If so, maybe that’s what I am. 

"Crazy" - ok I’m calling it crazy but not in the negative inappropriate stereotype that has come to be judging and not respectful of people with serious depression. I have a weird relationship with my own depression, bipolar, anxiety- maybe it will surface as I blog. But know I’m categorizing my issues in the general fun loving sense of the word "crazy" - embracing the feelings / thoughts I experience daily. I’m not poking fun, (well not at you- but most likely at myself! If you can’t laugh at yourself....)

So the panic update is that I obsess over lots of moral shit, my life, my art, the future the past, my thoughts- you name it I’m obsessing over it non stop! 

I once thought I should stop obsessing- but now I don’t ageee with that! It comes with the territory. I’ve managed to accept that I’m an introvert and have stopped thinking it’s a character flaw! Yes, this was once questioned of me and that labeling has stuck with me. Sad but true- someone actually said that very phrase to me- it was a while ago, I told them that I wanted a very small wedding with very few people- and I was asked if it was a  financial choice or a "character flaw"- those words exactly!  It is NOT a flaw. This has always bothered me. I can socialize beautifully, I’m good at it. I know how to be funny, kind and make conversation. And I enjoy it, for very limited periods - then I need a break from people. Why!!! Why does society seem to praise extroverts while shaming introverts? I can come up with many opposite examples of what’s positive about introverts vs extroverts: one being- we don’t need people and the business of people to fill our lives. We gain energy from our own thoughts and activities. 

We fill our own cup! 

Isn’t that praise worthy?! 

No huh? 

See, I don’t get that! 

But, I have come to terms ( very confidently) that this is me. That the stigma of introverts needing to try harder to be social, force themselves out there - pretend they don’t want to run from a party.... it’s ok! Not only is it ok but it should be praised- for these people know themselves and what they need. And should be doing what they need-that whole self care concept people are throwing around these days! Lol

I am happy being an introvert! I’m happy I have time to sit with my thoughts and my space and my solitude and figure myself out. Know myself! And I’m finally able to let that girl just be! 

At this age I’m happy to really know who I am! I’m happy with my own company. And the stillness of the world I’ve created around me at home. It’s a wonderful contrast to the hectic world / vibrating buzz I feel when I leave my perfectly designed and created sanctuary of a home! The outside world is what brings me confusion and sadness, the buzz and the negativity feels so strong out there- 

We have spent a great amount of energy on our personal environment- making it exactly what we need. I go days sitting with animals and nature and don’t even hear the sounds of the outside world or people. It’s a privledge to be able to have this -

Which brings me to my newest body of work:

After struggling with what my art meant- beyond ( often fun and whimsical) individual random stories told on each canvas -I grew bored of that! I grew bored of trying to create the silly when I was struggling with the negative! Asthetically, I needed to see where my visual marks were heading- embrace the flatness of the surface I was always trying to overcome. 

I now seek to express the dichotomy of my stillness that surrounds me and the busy of my head! The peacefulness I get from watching animals interact and flowers bloom, as well as the constant analization of the negative that I feel from the outside world. There is beauty in all of it! - even the negative because it is beautiful that we have the ability to think deeply and should be analyzing the how and why people are the way they are. I want to explore all The positives and the negatives and find beauty in all of it. I plan to fight the negative feelings off with that beauty. I don’t believe it to be a stronger force but I’m willing to at least make it an equal one. ( Hopefully!)

Can’t hurt to try right?! 😜 What else do I have to do with this life- the search to see the beauty in things when you’re programmed to see the worst sounds as good a goal as any....