New work...

I’ve made a lot of art and have had a lot of internal panic attacks since my last blog post! I have missed thinking and writing about my art on a deeper level. I also told myself maybe no one cares so just keep it to yourself, but there’s something valid to putting those thoughts down, and going back to reread them years later. Why make it public- idk- a little piece of immortality? A chance to connect to someone? Inspire someone? Idk- maybe just to get it out of my head!! There’s way too much crap in there that’s swimming around daily- and I’d love to unload it! Lol

If you’d like to witness the crazy- well, come on!  😂

We could start right there actually... 

"Crazy" or even the second part of my blog title- "Panic attacks"... I’m not sure I’ve ever had what would be considered a real panic attack- it’s more of a constant gnawing high level of anxiety about everything ( But "Painting and anxiety" don’t make for a catchy title.) although I question... could a person be a high functioning panic attack being in their mind if not extending to their body? If so, maybe that’s what I am. 

"Crazy" - ok I’m calling it crazy but not in the negative inappropriate stereotype that has come to be judging and not respectful of people with serious depression. I have a weird relationship with my own depression, bipolar, anxiety- maybe it will surface as I blog. But know I’m categorizing my issues in the general fun loving sense of the word "crazy" - embracing the feelings / thoughts I experience daily. I’m not poking fun, (well not at you- but most likely at myself! If you can’t laugh at yourself....)

So the panic update is that I obsess over lots of moral shit, my life, my art, the future the past, my thoughts- you name it I’m obsessing over it non stop! 

I once thought I should stop obsessing- but now I don’t ageee with that! It comes with the territory. I’ve managed to accept that I’m an introvert and have stopped thinking it’s a character flaw! Yes, this was once questioned of me and that labeling has stuck with me. Sad but true- someone actually said that very phrase to me- it was a while ago, I told them that I wanted a very small wedding with very few people- and I was asked if it was a  financial choice or a "character flaw"- those words exactly!  It is NOT a flaw. This has always bothered me. I can socialize beautifully, I’m good at it. I know how to be funny, kind and make conversation. And I enjoy it, for very limited periods - then I need a break from people. Why!!! Why does society seem to praise extroverts while shaming introverts? I can come up with many opposite examples of what’s positive about introverts vs extroverts: one being- we don’t need people and the business of people to fill our lives. We gain energy from our own thoughts and activities. 

We fill our own cup! 

Isn’t that praise worthy?! 

No huh? 

See, I don’t get that! 

But, I have come to terms ( very confidently) that this is me. That the stigma of introverts needing to try harder to be social, force themselves out there - pretend they don’t want to run from a party.... it’s ok! Not only is it ok but it should be praised- for these people know themselves and what they need. And should be doing what they need-that whole self care concept people are throwing around these days! Lol

I am happy being an introvert! I’m happy I have time to sit with my thoughts and my space and my solitude and figure myself out. Know myself! And I’m finally able to let that girl just be! 

At this age I’m happy to really know who I am! I’m happy with my own company. And the stillness of the world I’ve created around me at home. It’s a wonderful contrast to the hectic world / vibrating buzz I feel when I leave my perfectly designed and created sanctuary of a home! The outside world is what brings me confusion and sadness, the buzz and the negativity feels so strong out there- 

We have spent a great amount of energy on our personal environment- making it exactly what we need. I go days sitting with animals and nature and don’t even hear the sounds of the outside world or people. It’s a privledge to be able to have this -

Which brings me to my newest body of work:

After struggling with what my art meant- beyond ( often fun and whimsical) individual random stories told on each canvas -I grew bored of that! I grew bored of trying to create the silly when I was struggling with the negative! Asthetically, I needed to see where my visual marks were heading- embrace the flatness of the surface I was always trying to overcome. 

I now seek to express the dichotomy of my stillness that surrounds me and the busy of my head! The peacefulness I get from watching animals interact and flowers bloom, as well as the constant analization of the negative that I feel from the outside world. There is beauty in all of it! - even the negative because it is beautiful that we have the ability to think deeply and should be analyzing the how and why people are the way they are. I want to explore all The positives and the negatives and find beauty in all of it. I plan to fight the negative feelings off with that beauty. I don’t believe it to be a stronger force but I’m willing to at least make it an equal one. ( Hopefully!)

Can’t hurt to try right?! 😜 What else do I have to do with this life- the search to see the beauty in things when you’re programmed to see the worst sounds as good a goal as any....

Girl Clown with Chicken

I made this painting in February 2012 and today it's ready for a new home.

When I painted it, we had just moved to Georgia and were staying in an extended stay hotel in Norcross, while  looking for a new house.

I had just had a solo show in Philadelphia, showing my clown paintings:

Photos from that show can be seen here:
https://www.facebook.com/donnalograsso/media_set?set=a.10150299394157070.360106.675432069&type=3

 

...And even after my show, I was still obsessing over them
(usually, for me, you move on, having a show feels like closure of a body of work...but I wasn't finished). 

I've been drawn to clowns for a while. I have a different idea of what a clown stands for than most. I understand the fear of clowns, that fear people have also intrigues me.

(I'm not talking about evil looking clowns, just your average every day, kids party guy dressed in a clown suit.)
 
This excerpt is on my much needed-to-be-updated website, thought I'd share it here, since I'm thinking and talking about them again...

Clowns are considered "Fools".

I've read that the character of the fool is an essential ingredient of human society, sad no? I suppose it's because we all have an inner fool, the child we once were that society doesn't allow us to express, or criticizes us if it slips out.

The "Fool" is the part of us that has never grown up, the part that only wants to play, be completely free of responsibility. I remember those days, and often am overwhelmed by what adulthood has brought to my life. Do you remember having so much time in a day that you would lay around on the living room floor making silly faces and sounds, or doodling, or just goofing around...and I'm talking about that daily big chunk of time that seemed to last forever, where you actually thought the day was endless? Where you wandered the streets or the woods with your friends with no concept of time or a place you NEEDED to be?

It also seems to me, that the clown takes everything literally and personally, questioning everything...and unfortunately, this I can relate to. The clown wears his heart on its sleeve...again I can relate. The clown has the best of intentions (I'm not talking about the evil ones), again...I feel a connection. Clowns have no thought of failure, they leap naively into danger (think of the circus or rodeo- they jump into and from burning buildings, squeeze into tiny cars, wooden barrels that might get thrown by a bull, etc). The clown gets knocked down over and over again, and always gets up and tries again. Clowns in this sense are an embodiment of hope.

(Above) The girl clown and chicken are clearly friends! :-)

Being back in Georgia, I was remembering when we last lived here (when Beaux was 7 months old).
At that time I was painting chickens. So Georgia made me think of chickens. Weird I know. My draw to the chicken has some symbolic connections too (which I'll save for a future post). :-)

I had also been thinking a lot about sustainability at that time. The internet was flooded with stories about the endangerment of bees, and it was the first time I had ever really considered what it would mean to live off your own means
(shallow and singular existence up until then...maybe).

The thought of being self sufficient intrigued me!
I couldn't do it 100%, and we have yet to even begin planning our own gardens, but Ben and I talk all the time about things we can do to be a bit greener. We'd like solar panels, rain barrels, and lots of vegetable gardens. Chickens...check! :-) 

Georgia also reminded me of sea jellies.
The Georgia Aquarium was the first place I had ever seen them in person. I was captivated, must have taken 1000 photographs in one visit. My work, while teaching in Auburn, always included them. There is a beautiful danger surrounding sea jellies, a mystery, and I was drawn to that mystery and beauty. I feel they have a feminine quality as well, with a powerful quiet strength. They move with effortless freedom, and let's face it, if you know me and Ben, at this point in our lives we were movers!
In Feb, 2012, we had a freshly turned 6 year old, who had lived in 6 places, he too moved with an effortless motion...always impressing us with his joy and security no matter where he was. He still tells us how living in the hotel was the best and he wants to vacation there. :-)

I had more to say...had to add a second canvas:

There were days that I was less than excited to stay in the extended stay hotel, I wished for our own space. We had Duck (the cat) with us...and we often talked about how great owning a camper would be, we could have her with us at all times and we could just pick up and travel the country. We day dreamed often of that life style. But this talk took a back seat to a greater desire we shared, wanting a permanent home.

Even though he was fine, we had guilt for moving Beaux around so much. Lots of times the things we do for our children are really for ourselves, and the child we used to be. I moved around a ton when I was little, and Ben always felt split between two parents/ houses/ states...so stability for Beaux was something WE wanted for him...still do, even though I know that stability comes from us, not our house. I think more-so, Ben and I NEED this house, not Beaux. But...he'll have to cope with his parents issues. ;-)
 
I added a banister for a stair case to symbolize this (all this psychological house baggage we have). Green as it goes up and into the future and red/orange to symbolize that down, or looking back or living in the past, or thinking of past mistakes is dangerous territory....I LOVE symbolism. :-), funny that the house we chose has no stair railings.  I also think of the holiday candies as a stand in for the feelings we have towards family and holiday traditions. The memories you make, the big childhood moments, all the "sweet" stuff.
:-)

I was also worried about making new friends for all of us, as well as sad to leave friends behind in Philadelphia - So along with the sweet are images of candy on paper that may blow away, fade...to represent a loss, and the losses we feel of those who can't be close during those big moments in life.
I think a lot of what I added at the top of this post about clowns relates well to how I was feeling when I painted this.

_______________________________

So the main idea of this painting I suppose if I had to sum up simply would be that I believe/ hope that it encompasses all the feelings I was having towards life, motherhood, the environment, our own and the world, along with the fears and the pleasures of being a parent / human, moving to a new place, moving forward in life, new experiences...and most of all hope for a good healthy ride!
 
Of course now it's new owners can place their own ideas and feelings on it. I just thought I'd share what I was thinking.
:-)

Framed out with simple lattice, just need to sand the edges and touch up the nail heads.

Ready for pick up!
:-)

I'm so excited that it will live in a house with people I like so much!

In need of a real studio

One of the draws to buying this house, (aside from the price, view and access to the lake, light, big open rooms, etc)...was the future hope of having a real studio!

Ben and I were talking all weekend about what we need to do in order to make the garage into a studio...and according to my never ending optimistically encouraging husband..."not much"!
(Keep in mind that Ben's "Not much" and the rest of the world's idea of  "Not much" (including my own) is drastically different!)
LOL

But when I think of all he has already accomplished with the house...well...go man, go!

____________________________

This is the detached garage that sits half way up the hill, of our back property:

It's a pretty big space...
22x32 feet, 704 sq feet! (without the loft)


(Picture from when we first looked at the house in January of 2012)

 

With a big loft space up top, that Ben can stand in (in the center that is, a space he would like for a shop for himself).

We have two french glass doors with two long windows for either side that we'd like to put here instead of this door (above) and Ben has found a bunch of free windows!
A wall of windows would be amazing...this is the view in the winter (below).
There are a few slivers of lake that can be seen during the rest of the year, but mostly just green!

But first we have to deal with all the stuff, I should help some how right?!?
(pictures below of it's scary current state)

-Which is where I come in - I am going to be going through the "stuff" and sell what I can on Craigslist and Facebook, decide what we need and Goodwill the rest.

I know this is a huge project...but this has to happen!
OK, It doesn't HAVE to happen, but we would be a very happy, productive and even more creative family with this big space going to better use! 
:-)

When we first moved in and said, "Let's just start storing stuff in here for now..."

And what has happened a year and a half later!

Well, that's embarrassing, isn't it? :-)

So if you see me around, and I look like crap, don't talk much, and don't seem to be acting in any way close to normal...You will understand why.

But, in a desire to be more like Ben...
Stay tuned...It's gonna happen! :-)

...Eventually and if I don't die first!

Changes in attitude don't happen that quickly...baby steps...
LOL
 

Colors and Kitties

I still haven't made it to Utrecht, so I am improvising.
I made a nice rich black from Char-Kole.

And a pretty blue from Conte Crayons (which isn't the most cost effective way to make color. These sticks are NOT cheap, and dry pigment is less expensive in bulk).
...But I was in the mood to paint, so I went ahead and used what I had, but don't think that I didn't feel wrong for it the whole time. LOL

Then I wanted a different green, so I tried Parsley. :-)

I had some help:

It made a very nice color, especially when I added just a little bit of yellow.

A jumping kitty!!
(added below)
:-)
The usual happenings in my house -  right when I feel my most crazed, the animals decide that is the best time to go berserk, like they know you can't take one more thing...and they wanna see how you'll react. 

This might not be the reality of it, but all the cute cat post memes on FB and Pinterest have me believing that my cat is analyzing and judging me.
And if you’ve met Duck, you know she is!
LOL

And while I got some time to paint, my mini me was working on his:

:-)

The Ugly Stage

There always comes a point in my paintings where I realize that I'm being boring! 

I begin by selectively laying in parts of the story, I look at it one moment and go from happily building to total disgust of my lameness within seconds.
 

 The boring-ness, all nice and safe, and careful...well, as careful as I get. I do realize this is loose for others. :-)

-Blocking or laying in some color, swooshes over stuff, in the white areas, where I still know I need to draw, probably should happen closer to the beginning.

I'm still being hesitant in this picture below...only a few swooshes, cautious of the egg tempera.
How does it swoosh? It blends a bit, not as good of a swoosh as acrylic. 

I know more of this, lets call it "disgusted-in-myself energy," will happen throughout the piece. These are the ugly stages.  

They excite me!

The ugly stage makes you work harder...you obsess until you get past it. Then hope for the next ugly stage...when you will obsess again.
:-)
The ugly stage gives me something to react to.

These pictures might not be the best examples, as I said, I was hesitant...and I also went back over the swooshes pretty quickly to gain back some of the pattern/imagery.

My hesitation here, my caution also bothers me!
Why am I being such a wimp today?!
(Those of you reading this, who are not artists, are getting a good glimpse into the crazy aren't you? LOL )

I'm also trying to mix the pigments...that blue is hideous! It's hard without red, and only a few basic colors.

Need more pigments.
:-)

Space and laziness

I've been thinking about something that has been bothering me about my work...

I instinctively like to have everything up front and on the surface. I lack depth...
-not conceptually, (not personally, LOL), but spatially...my work is flat!

 I was looking at where I was headed with this piece and got annoyed with myself...once again....FLAT!

So I thought....The one thing that brings me peace in my frazzle is the nature around us.  

Nature has always been a good place/thing for my head to be filled with, even more so now than when I was younger. Or maybe I'm just more aware of what I need!
Ahhh...the whole with age comes wisdom bit!
The plus side to getting wrinkles.

Since I'm painting MY world (with liberties)
(I know, very self centered of me)...this element seems to be the right fit!

Back to the issue of me being a lazy painter...
I can feel it, and I'm aware that I want to lay stuff in and be done. This is SO not going to be possible with egg tempera. I have started laying in the lake and our front steps (which lead to our house)...and it's flat.
Word... and the bane of my existence for the day...Flatness!

Yes, I know...I'm feeling very dramatic today. LOL

The paint and the panic

I knew the panic would set in at some point.
I just didn't think it would be so close to the start....

 I wasn't finished with the drawing but felt anxious to get painting...so I began by mixing the dry pigment with the egg yolk and distilled water, straight...no mixing of colors -just to see how egg tempera felt, moved, laid.

First thought...Is this worth it?
This is a lot of work, and a huge mess!

Then that haunting voice in my head, "Don't be lazy....Make the effort, you are supposed to be learning something new. Grow why don't you!"

I decided cups were the way to go, and NOT my glass pallet. I realized that unlike doing fresco, I didn't need the muller to blend the pigment, the brush was enough to "stir" it together.

 I have NEVER been a very neat and tidy artist, which is surprising for someone with a printmaking degree...but messy comes naturally! :-)

The white looks yellow, from the yolk. But once laid on the painting, it was white enough. :-)

But!!!!!!!! I didn't buy any red pigment, the closest I had was this burnt umber. Being me and extremely impatient, I started painting anyway...yes the part that should be RED! I know, I know...but I did. I know I will have to go over it, but that's ok, this is just a test...

I like it! A lot, and yet I don't. 
It does blend really nicely on the panel. That was a big plus!

-Everything I read said it wouldn't, or at least that I would have to cross hatch to blend layers and layers. (Not a huge fan of cross hatching...I know it has it's place, but I wasn't excited about cross hatching an entire 4 x 5 ft painting).

I could easily see how the layers effected one another, and had a very "oily" quality about them, but the paint dries so fast that it's a lot like acrylic (well, more gouache actually - flat, and a bit dull - con!).
I can see why the great masters applied oil on top of egg tempera, and I suppose I might too, the dull isn't pretty, isn't powerful, isn't special. 

Sorry Steve....but your yolk isn't as illuminating as I had hoped! (Probably because I haven't layered the paint...)

:-)

Layering of paint is NOT how I normally work. I'm an out of the tube and quick to make a mark type...this is definitely going to slow me down and make me think while I paint....I wonder how that's going to work out???
:-)